Friday, February 1, 2008

I cannot find myself...

I see the body - am I in the hand? Am I in the heart? Am I in the head?

I know thoughts - they arise like clouds in the sky, passing through only to disappear. Am I in the thoughts? Am I the creator or thinker of these thoughts?

I close my eyes - I feel the movement of the arms, feel the rising and falling of the chest, feel the pressure of the chair pushing up on the body.

But I still cannot find myself.

Arms, legs, head, breath, thoughts... these all are happenings, perceptions and sensations, coming and going. But how are these known? To whom are they arising?

Are thoughts arising to a cognizing mind, or is the mind a container for thoughts? Can the thought "I see" actually see? Can the thought "I hear" actually hear?

Observing all these perceptions and sensations, I find myself apart from them. I see that there is a space between the perception and the knowing of the perception. That body, those thoughts, are an object of perception.

Who is knowing these? I can't find myself within these things, so where am I?

I search for that which knows - I find no solid entity within the spectrum of perception which is the KNOWER of the perception. All I find are objects arising within this knowing.

This space of seeing, this activity of knowing, is not found within the domain of the known, not a separate persisting entity inside that body, inside that head or heart.

This space of seeing, this activity of knowing, has no attributes, has no shape or form, has no boundaries or personality, has no smell or flavor, has no distinctions at all. For the distinctions are EXACTLY what is arising, but the distinctions are not what I am.

This spacious knowing is the background ON WHICH all these sensations and perception arise.

Another appearance arises - "I" am seeing/knowing - but where is the "I" that sees and knows? The "I" in the sentence, the "I" in the THOUGHT is only exactly that, a THOUGHT, and still another arising, another perception.

Isn't this spacious seeing/knowing effortless? Does this space of seeing and knowing require someone there to do it?

No matter what arises, no matter what happens in the world of objects, forms, perceptions and sensations, does anything EVER touch this seeing/knowing which cannot be found as a form but is undeniable? If it touched it, wouldn't the seeing/knowing entity be just another object known?

The arising body-mind and world is undeniable, but I cannot find myself as a separate entity within it.

As I look for myself, all I find is the world. All I can ask is "WHO is looking?"

And the only answer is - no one.

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